fat loss health nutrition

Love, without the handles: Part I

Being in love is exhilarating, isn’t it?
Holding hands, going to dinner, snuggling, sipping wine, taking trips, going to breakfast, eating chocolate, ordering pizza, going to sushi, grabbing lunch… and before you know it

POW!

 you’ve been hit with the dreaded “newlywed spread”. The newlywed spread is the cringe-worthy term that is used to describe the extra pounds that most couples pack on after cohabitating or getting married.

A study of 8,000 people between the ages of 12 – 28 years old showed that newly married women pack on an average of 24 pounds (4.5 pounds per year) and newly married men gain around 30 pounds (6 pounds per year) throughout the first 5 years of marriage.

Think about it for a moment. How many times has your partner decided that they want pizza, a cookie, or a few glasses of wine so you said, “Ehhh, screw it. I want some, too!” and you indulged when you otherwise wouldn’t have even thought about it?

I hear things like this all of the time:

“Jen, I don’t know what happened. I went with <insert partner’s name> to grab some breakfast because he was hungry and I was just going to eat eggs, avocado and veggies – I swear! But then he ordered the Grand Slam Triple Whammy Pancake Deluxe and it looked so good so I had a few bites. But a few bites turned into a few more, so I ended up ordering my own, and well, I ate it. All. Then he wanted ice cream so I got some of that, too!” 
What started off as a well intended veggie omelet turned into an unplanned 2,000 calorie binger all because the sight of your partner’s pancake stack drove you into a carb-crazed frenzy.
I’m not throwing stones because I’ve been there, done that!

Case in point:
About 7 months ago, my husband and I went to dinner at this amazing steakhouse with the intention of just grabbing a lean steak and some vegetables. The sommelier came to our table with a wine list. I hadn’t planned on drinking, but wine did sound good… Michael looked at me and shrugged, as if to say, why not? “Okay! Well, sure!” I said, and we each ordered a glass. The waiter came over and asked if we’d like an appetizer. Well, maybe I’ll just have a few bites. “Sure, we’d love an appetizer!” By the time our dinner came out, we had both ordered a second glass of wine, ate all of the complimentary bread, and devoured the entire appetizer. When we were presented with a dessert menu after dinner, neither of us could resist. Maybe it was the wine buzz or it could have been the rookie thought of, “Well I already blew it so I might as well.” Either way, this dinner had veered seriously off plan by Michael and I feeding off of each others (poor) decisions, which is very common couple behavior called health concordance. Health concordance is the phenomenon in which couples become more like each other in terms of things like exercise and eating habits. Couples rub off on each other! If you eat cake, they’ll probably eat cake. If you skip the gym, they’re more likely to skip the gym.

“In sickness and in health, for better or for girth…”

Assuming that you have physique goals (or at least the goal to not add any additional bodyfat) you have to be really careful in relationships. Studies have shown time and time again that we simply eat more when we are eating with a companion. A study in the book Mindless Eating by Brian Wansink (a must read) shows that we determine what is an appropriate portion to eat based on what our eating companion eats! Yikes! My husband weighs 70lbs more than me, has an absolutely voracious appetite, and like most men, has a faster metabolism that I do. I have to work extra hard to be very mindful of  the difference between Jen appropriate portions vs Michael appropriate portions.

Can you enjoy your relationship while staying healthy and avoiding weight gain? What do you do if you are in a relationship where one person is desperately trying to lose bodyfat and the other isn’t? Can you co-exist if one of you is eating fish and veggies while the other is gobbling down pizza without driving each other crazy? You absolutely can!
I’ve had countless people write in to me on EliteFTS and ask me how to get their partner to make healthier choices, how to help support their partner’s body transformation journey, or what a couple can do together to support each other while working towards their goals. In this three part series, I’m going to tell you all of the secrets that I’ve learned throughout the years of how to stay happy and sane in a relationship while you both work toward your goals, whether they are similar or different. I certainly don’t know it all, but I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum – I’ve been in relationships with junk food junkies while I’ve been dieting for a show, and with somebody that had their nutrition nailed down to a science and all I wanted to do was go to dinners and drink wine!

There are going to be plenty of special moments throughout our lives and relationships where food, wine, or dessert is involved, and that is fine! One of the best nights of my life was drinking plenty of wine in a hot tub with Michael on the deck of a suite at Stein Eriksen Lodge in Park City, Utah, while it snowed and we talked about our future and our dreams. That moment was priceless and I wouldn’t trade it for anything, however there is a time and a place but the time simply can not be all of the time! The objective here is not to miss out on those moments, but to develop a long term plan so that when moments like that present itself, we can fully enjoy it without worrying about it being a hindrance on our goals.

In the next part of this series I want to talk about some obstacles that I’ve faced in relationships regarding food temptation and indulgence, and the lessons I’ve learned from them.  

How ’bout you? Do you typically indulge when your partner does? Do you find that you’ve experienced some health concordance in your relationship in which you or your partners habits, good or bad, are rubbing off on each other? I’d love to hear from you, so drop me a comment below! 

 **Disclaimer:  Love is not, by any means, defined by the way you look or the way your partner looks. This is not meant to be a “looks are all that matters” post, but rather a thought provoking post to bring awareness to some common bad health habits that tend to creep into many relationships and marriages. Bad health habits can lead to weight gain, but most importantly, they can lead to health problems and unhappiness, and that is what I’m trying to address here. 

You can read part II of this series by clicking HERE 

31 Comments

  • Reply
    Amanda
    March 8, 2012 at 10:02 am

    Great article Jen!

    I have to say however that since my partner and I moved in together I'm in better shape that I was when I was 18! Now I suspect this has ALOT to do with the fact that he is not only my bestfriend and my lover but also my trainer and nutrional advisor! Not only does he support me to ensure I remain consistent, through the knowledge I have gained I support him too. It works brilliantly 🙂

  • Reply
    Sable Weisman
    March 8, 2012 at 10:02 am

    I LOVE this post Jen. This is something Max & I have been dealing with for our entire relationship – at first, he was dieting and I was not and we had to figure that out. Then we both were and really that was ideal, and of course since then we've gone through phases where he's bulking and I'm cutting or vice versa. It's definitely something you adapt to!

  • Reply
    Anonymous
    March 8, 2012 at 11:18 am

    Nice article and very true. Most won't like this, but it takes the dreaded self-discipline. Thankfully my husband of 25 years desires to be healthy as well, but we are also guilty of many of the examples you used above. Recently we have found the ILose app to be quite effective for our accountability. It makes journaling our intake simple and we both set goals and work to achieve them. We also try to plan ahead on meals so we don't put ourselves in situations where we will just "oh, what the heck" it and splurge.

  • Reply
    Hannah
    March 8, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Wonderful blog post Jen!! I've been a reader for a bit now but haven't yet commented but this post SO hits home with me, so I thought I'd leave you some love and my story! =]

    My hubby and I have been on quite the roller coaster during the last three years we've been married! He is the guy that is over 6 foot and wants to GAIN weight because he's so skinny, so food is not really an issue for him like it is for me. He strives to eat MORE while I strive to eat LESS, hah! Where as I was the girl who was always a bit overweight and then had a child and was thrown into my new mommy body without a spec of confidence which spiraled into a 40lbs overweight mommy and wife!!
    Over the last year and a half I've been transforming not only my body with workouts and eating healthier but also my mindset and my goals for what I want in my healthy lifestyle for myself and my family, and while my husband did take some time to jump on the bandwagon, after seeing all my results and clear happiness with my new ME, he climbed on board =D And we haven't looked back since!
    The health concordance topic you brought up is totally brilliant and finally has put a name to what's going on in my home now! We exercise together now as often as we can and make healthy meals together at home and even our toddler loves it! (he totally does burpees with us =D=D) We're blazing such an awesome trail head for our son's health and for our own futures.. it's so great being on the SAME track after not being on it together for so long. it makes a huge difference with our happiness and achieving our fitness goals! =]

  • Reply
    Marianne
    March 8, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    Great read as always Jen 🙂 This is soooo true for me. Plus I get a little competitive with eating LOL. Like my partner might look at me expecting me NOT to be able to finish something, or dare me to have dessert HAHA! I can't turn down ANY challenge :-/ Probably not the best thing to admit !

  • Reply
    amberjones
    March 8, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    Thanks for the post Jen! What you are describing is the same thing my husband and I experience. That "if we eat bad together it's not so naughty" feeling. I've also found that neither of us cling so tightly to those poor decisions if the other merely points out the obvious. "I know babe, the dessert looks fabulous, but we both had some wine for dinner and it was really good. Let's save that for our next special occasion." or "I don't think we should eat that; you know how that'll make you feel tomorrow.Ick." Ha, the trouble as you've mentioned, is one of us speaking up! I'm really looking forward to reading the remaining parts of this series!

  • Reply
    Claire
    March 8, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    Great article! It's something that we've all fallen victim to. I look forward to reading your series.

  • Reply
    Jen Comas Keck
    March 8, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    Thanks girl! I had a feeling you'd be able to relate to this one. I'd love to hear any insight that you have or survival tips!
    Personally I've found pros and cons for all possibilities: Michael dieting while I'm not, me dieting while Michael isn't, both of us dieting, or both of us saying "screw it".

  • Reply
    Jen Comas Keck
    March 8, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    Thank you!
    You are very lucky to be in a relationship where you support each other and work together. It sure makes things easier, doesn't it?

  • Reply
    Jen Comas Keck
    March 8, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    Ahhh yes! Finding some method to hold yourself accountable is a great idea. I've found accountability to be my #1 key to success in many aspects of life, but mostly with nutrition. I really like that you plan meals ahead so you don't have any excuses to make bad decisions. Great point!

  • Reply
    The Ahlgrens
    March 8, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    My husband and I made a pact before we even got engaged to help each other lead healthy lives on all planes. Physical, mental, emotional…the works. It's super hard to not eat what my husband is eating when are training goals don't match up, but we are both pretty good at respecting each others' goals…so we try not to eat what the other shouldn't…or at least not in front of them! HA! I have found that when I am more verbal about my healthy eating goals, it tends to get my husband on the ball, too. And that way, I'm not just saying, "hey, fat man…get off your butt and eat a carrot!" It's more like, "I'm gonna be better about eating veggies this week." To which he replies, "yeah, me, too." 😀

  • Reply
    chrysta
    March 8, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    Great post! This hits home with me as I do have certain goals and my husband does not=)Hes a big eater and sometimes when I go to restaurants and hes eating a big plate of fries and a burger its hard to not pick at the fries across the way. The best way for me is to just not even start. That way I dont head down that slippery path. Ha!

  • Reply
    Jen Comas Keck
    March 8, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    Hi Hannah! Thank you so much for taking the time to share your incredible story and journey. That is so inspiring! I'm so glad that you are on the same page and setting such a great example for your son. You look wonderful in your avatar, and it's great to hear that your happiness on the inside lines up with that strong beautiful body that you have on the outside!
    Thanks for sharing with me!
    Also, have you read "Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin? That is where I learned of health concordance. Excellent book that changed my life! 🙂

  • Reply
    Jen Comas Keck
    March 8, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    Thank you! If you have any insight that you'd like to share I'd love to hear it for the upcoming installments!

  • Reply
    Jen Comas Keck
    March 8, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    YES! You nailed it. If Michael indulges then I don't think it's nearly as bad if I do. He is my partner in crime! What a great point and I'll be sure to touch on that in the next installment.
    You've also brought up another point – if Michael even LOOKS at me weird when I'm about to eat something off-plan I get mad at him! Oops! I need to work on that, especially since it's well intended on his part.

  • Reply
    Jen Comas Keck
    March 8, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    Thank you!
    haha that is hilarious that you are competitive with eating!
    On that note, I hereby challenge you to a chocolate eating/wine drinking contest in Vegas in Sept…. 😉

  • Reply
    Jen Comas Keck
    March 8, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    The Ahlgrens – I absolutely love what you said about making a pact before you got engaged! I can not even begin to think how much our health would benefit if we all worked that into our wedding vows or made that pact!
    Rather than "I promise to love you in sickness and in health…" it should be "I promise to love you in sickness and in health and do everything I can to keep you and myself healthy in every way possible…"
    WOW! Thank you for sharing!

    Chrysta – Thank you! I can totally sympathize with you. My husband has the biggest appetite I've ever seen and it can be a struggle for me to stay on plan when he's knocking back his 4th plate of food! You are absolutely right about not even starting though. I am an "All or nothing" kind of girl so nothing it is! 😉

  • Reply
    Marianne
    March 8, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    You're on! 😉

  • Reply
    Chelsey
    March 8, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    I hear this one all the time. I work with a lot of university students and a lot of them wind up indulging because their roommates are. I'm going to pass this along to them

  • Reply
    Raylene
    March 8, 2012 at 8:50 pm

    Thanks for a very timely post. I personally have just begun intermittent fasting; something the partner did not sign up for. He is very supportive though which is good. What makes me feel bad though is that I introduced most of the bad habits into our house and now I have to find a way to break them without being the bad guy. Again my partner is very supportive, but I don't want to be a nag. Thanks again it is nice to know others have similar situations.

  • Reply
    erin
    March 9, 2012 at 1:36 am

    Some insight, if i may, is that it's important that the goals each person sets are goals that are born out of your OWN desires. Once you start setting goals "because the other person" has, it is harder to stay internally motivated and what may have once been a supportive environment is just one bad mood away from a controlling one. I have found myself in this situation, and I felt controlled, nitpicked, and like the food police were always on my back. I fell into some very unhealthy behaviors that were completely remedied when my goals shifted and were completely for me and set by me (and food police was out of my life forever). Perhaps setting some well defined ground rules for how each person provides and requires support will make the hard times easier to navigate. Also, having a clear action plan for getting back on track when one or both people "fall off the wagon" may be helpful – then words are spoken from a place of logic, and not emotion and defense.

  • Reply
    Cheryl
    March 9, 2012 at 10:29 am

    Really insightful article! I've been cleaning up my diet and strength-training 3 times a week, but my bf has some difficulty coming to terms that I pack my own food, refuse to eat the same food as him, or will not compromise on my exercise times. He thinks I'm crazy and obsessed and will injure myself some time. It's really frustrating. So in order not to piss him off, sometimes I just say heck it and just eat the same food as he does. It's really challenging because I wasn't like this when we first got together, we loved to go out and eat, but now I don't. I'm quite at a loss sometimes. Looking forward to your next article for some good tips on handling situations like this!

  • Reply
    Tara @ Sweat like a Pig
    March 9, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    This is a great article! My husband and I also fall into this trap. He has a MAJOR sweet tooth and would eat multiple desserts a day if I let him! He also has a tendency to eat a lot of burgers and pastas, etc – all the stuff I can't. I'm training for a figure competition, so want to minimise any fat gains, while he's just trying to get as big as possible, so it's hard to work together in terms of our eating. I generally just think of how much better I feel if I don't succumb to temptation, and just go along with it, and it usually works.

  • Reply
    jesszvan
    March 12, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    I absolutely love this! I never noticed that this was happening to me, health concordance, until my husband left on this deployment. While he was home there would be times that we would be watching tv and he would say, mostly late at night, "Doesn't pizza sound good?" and he would order a pizza. I would end up eating some and going to bed feeling horrible! Since he has been gone I haven't been doing that and I've lost 14 pounds already since he has been gone. I am just hoping I can keep up with my more healthy and active lifestyle changes once he comes home!

  • Reply
    Jen Comas Keck
    March 12, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    Thanks for passing it along and helping spread awareness on this!

  • Reply
    Jen Comas Keck
    March 12, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    My pleasure! Thanks for reading and good luck with the Intermittent Fasting!

  • Reply
    Jen Comas Keck
    March 12, 2012 at 7:20 pm

    Hi Erin!
    You make excellent points. Making changes absolutely has to come from within. Trying to make big changes for anybody other than yourself (even if it's your partner or spouse) are destined to fail.
    I really like your suggestion about setting some clear ground rules! Thank you so much for your input!

  • Reply
    Jen Comas Keck
    March 12, 2012 at 7:22 pm

    Oh man! Been there, done that! I've indulged before just to appease other people before and felt tortured on the inside.
    This is a wonderful point that I'm sure others can relate to. Thank you for the input!

  • Reply
    Jen Comas Keck
    March 12, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    Ahhh, you're husband's sweet tooth sounds like mine! 😉 It can definitely be tricky when you are both on different pages with your nutrition but some couples don't have a problem with it at all. Sounds like you guys just happily do your own thing, which is great!
    ps – hope you are moved and settled in! 🙂

  • Reply
    Jen Comas Keck
    March 12, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    Wow, 14 pounds! That is great!
    If I don't have company then it's very easy for me to stick to my plan and eat at home. But if I am with friends or my husband, it's so easy to to go happy hour or to order a pizza.
    Hopefully your new eating habits will wear off on him!

  • Reply
    Anonymous
    March 20, 2012 at 6:55 am

    I like this article and its so true, I too now I'm in a better shape because of my husband he got me into working out and watching for what I eat, supplements and all that stuff, is funny though that now I have a very strong will and I will never put something in my mouth like I did when we first got married, you know go to a coffee shop and grabbed some donuts, now I'm very careful with that. Last saturday we were in the city we got some coffee and he got donuts and I'm so proud to say that I DID NOT EVEN GOT A BITE, he is really good like you say men has that faster metabolism that I don't have. Looking forward for the next article.

  • Leave a Reply

    This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.